Mad.

You know what should have made me mad?

What should have made me mad, is you walking away. And I'm not talking about the ones that you noticed. All those times I bent over backwards, and you walked away.

What should have made me mad, is everything I overstepped on my part, and you not willing to do just basic courtesy even.

What should have made me mad, is me not being able to be myself without being scared. And you not noticing how hard I tried to live with that.

What should have made me mad, is all those times you made it seem like I was overdoing things, when now I can see it was you being scared of what you claimed to be, or claimed to have wanted.

What should have made me mad is going through everything we did, only to see us as we are now, polluted, corrupt, and shallow.

What should have made me mad, is me having to explain everything despite it not being what I do, but being treated like a delinquent child every time I searched for answers. It was always a one way street.

What should have made me mad is discovering you're not who you say you are, and not being able to understand why you would say those things if you weren't. And then acting as though I was the one reading things wrongly and over-thinking them.

What should have made me mad, is you seeming to disappear every time I'm actually with you. When it was possible, you never moved forward with me, and those are times when you do that. All of a sudden, extreme strangeness when others were around.

What should have made me mad is you disappointing me when I was hoping you would make life better for me.

What should have made me mad is being disappointed that I was disappointed you.

What should have made me mad is all the things I didn't get to tell you because I was unashamedly scared of losing you.

What should have made me mad is not being able to make a normal conversation with a so called -what you said you were - at times.

What should have made me mad, is that you didn't fight for this when I needed you to, and that you did when there was no point, and that you always preferred letting this drop on my head.

What should have made me mad, is you making me doubt myself.

What should have made me mad, is me thinking about just this, when I wanted to have thought about so many other things that should have meant so much more.


But I'm not mad. And that, probably is the only thing that makes me a little mad. Just a little.