I just read this article on LifeHacker about how we tend to over-think the simplest things. Yes, I've already posted a whole article on the art of over-thinking, but the LifeHacker article made me introspect, and that lead to some completely unrelated conclusions altogether.
The last half a year has been the most challenging time of my life, or at least, it feels like it was. And I'm not even saying it's over. These few months have been a storm of emotions, disappointment, confusion, faith, doubt, fear and probably even shame. Most of these things I've brought upon myself, but in my defense, unintentionally so.
But wait, this post isn't about how tough life is and all that. Firstly, it isn't, and secondly, I'm too proud to admit that.
Three of my friends said the same thing about me, that I knew exactly what was happening to me through all the retarded times. Either this was extreme co-incidence or they all seem to have stumbled upon the same (debatable)truth. "Everytime you go through something harsh, you know exactly what went wrong with who and when and what you're supposed to do about it, and what you can't do about it."
Funny. So basically I was so rational about what was happening, that it pushed my helplessness to another level. There's the case when you can be helpless wherein you don't know what's happening and you can't do anything about it simply because it is beyond your control. But on the other side, there's the case when you know exactly what you're doing, and what you should do, but you KNOW things won't get better.
I can be the optimist and say that's bullshit, and there's always something I should have done otherwise. But I stick to my theory that I was just too damn analytical about everything. I don't really believe in the whole fate thing either. It seems that it is ingrained in me that I (want to) know myself wholly. This makes me analyse everything about myself to the death before making my decisions. I have this set bunch of ideals I try to stick to all the time.
Now that should be good, in the ideal case. But it isn't.
When I don't stick to the ideals I feel like crap, notwithstanding the magnitude(I feel like saying, no, I was dead wrong, I'm an arse even now. Damn self judgementalism). I try and always make the mature decision, I think about who I am as a person and then act accordingly. Hell. I'm typing this whole thing out now because of how much I analyse myself.
Maybe that's a shitty philosophy. Maybe immaturity should be a part of who I am, if it's spontaneous. Maybe I should just be instead of thinking about who I should be. Look where other modes of over-detailed have brought me. Nowhere. Just disappointed in myself, and people around me.
You can't blame me entirely though. Many times, MANY times especially with a certain set if people, I have just BEEN. And I was made to feel so bad about that, I drew myself in quite severely. The funny thing is, these people find fault with that too. What I asserted ages back and things they put me down for, they asked for themselves, a little while down the line. And another round of ego bashing. It wasn't me who asked for the damn thing! LOL. Everything they knew or I hoped they knew about me a person seem just down the drain. #Fayul.
I'd type more, but I'm sleepy, and I truly want to change from this scrutinizing way of life, I'm going to discover more of myself instead. Which means I must not be hypocritical and keep expanding about my views about myself. I need to just do what I want to.
Confused but fulfilling blog session. Keep in touch with me, for those of you here who know context, hopefully to see how I'm trying to be what I am, not want to be. Yeah I'm quite happy about it. If I'm rude it's because I cannot take irritating people, so that's who I will be.
Next post coming sooner I promise. Bye!
Edit: I read this article the next morning, because I was half asleep when I wrote it, IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!
The last half a year has been the most challenging time of my life, or at least, it feels like it was. And I'm not even saying it's over. These few months have been a storm of emotions, disappointment, confusion, faith, doubt, fear and probably even shame. Most of these things I've brought upon myself, but in my defense, unintentionally so.
But wait, this post isn't about how tough life is and all that. Firstly, it isn't, and secondly, I'm too proud to admit that.
Three of my friends said the same thing about me, that I knew exactly what was happening to me through all the retarded times. Either this was extreme co-incidence or they all seem to have stumbled upon the same (debatable)truth. "Everytime you go through something harsh, you know exactly what went wrong with who and when and what you're supposed to do about it, and what you can't do about it."
Funny. So basically I was so rational about what was happening, that it pushed my helplessness to another level. There's the case when you can be helpless wherein you don't know what's happening and you can't do anything about it simply because it is beyond your control. But on the other side, there's the case when you know exactly what you're doing, and what you should do, but you KNOW things won't get better.
I can be the optimist and say that's bullshit, and there's always something I should have done otherwise. But I stick to my theory that I was just too damn analytical about everything. I don't really believe in the whole fate thing either. It seems that it is ingrained in me that I (want to) know myself wholly. This makes me analyse everything about myself to the death before making my decisions. I have this set bunch of ideals I try to stick to all the time.
Now that should be good, in the ideal case. But it isn't.
When I don't stick to the ideals I feel like crap, notwithstanding the magnitude(I feel like saying, no, I was dead wrong, I'm an arse even now. Damn self judgementalism). I try and always make the mature decision, I think about who I am as a person and then act accordingly. Hell. I'm typing this whole thing out now because of how much I analyse myself.
Maybe that's a shitty philosophy. Maybe immaturity should be a part of who I am, if it's spontaneous. Maybe I should just be instead of thinking about who I should be. Look where other modes of over-detailed have brought me. Nowhere. Just disappointed in myself, and people around me.
You can't blame me entirely though. Many times, MANY times especially with a certain set if people, I have just BEEN. And I was made to feel so bad about that, I drew myself in quite severely. The funny thing is, these people find fault with that too. What I asserted ages back and things they put me down for, they asked for themselves, a little while down the line. And another round of ego bashing. It wasn't me who asked for the damn thing! LOL. Everything they knew or I hoped they knew about me a person seem just down the drain. #Fayul.
I'd type more, but I'm sleepy, and I truly want to change from this scrutinizing way of life, I'm going to discover more of myself instead. Which means I must not be hypocritical and keep expanding about my views about myself. I need to just do what I want to.
Confused but fulfilling blog session. Keep in touch with me, for those of you here who know context, hopefully to see how I'm trying to be what I am, not want to be. Yeah I'm quite happy about it. If I'm rude it's because I cannot take irritating people, so that's who I will be.
Next post coming sooner I promise. Bye!
Edit: I read this article the next morning, because I was half asleep when I wrote it, IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!
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